Wednesday, March 21, 2018

No Memories

Of my childhood, I have very few memories.
Flash....the sight down a street in San Diego where we lived when I was about 3
Flash...the horrible fear of looking down the steps of my Aunt and Uncle's second floor apartment in New Orleans after we moved back to Texas, or were on our way there. baby sister being held by our mother in front of the picture window. Her head was swollen from the unknown allergy to aspirin, mother waiting for Dad to take them to the hospital.
Flash...being deathly ill in Abilene with Scarlet Fever. A few other small memories from there. on the family farm in Sweetwater where my brother and I explored every inch of 640 acres.
Flash...finding a tiny snake while waiting for the bus and letting my brother have it.
Flash...first grade in Sweetwater. Had to walk about a mile to a very old school.
There stands my childhood. Nothing but flashes. Then we moved to Canyon for my dad to go to College. This involved a few flashes of things like being very sick and going to school when I couldn't even swallow water. No doctor involved. Being told if you are too sick to go to school, then you are too sick to watch tv while you were home. I was terrified of boredom. I should have been pumped full of antibiotics at that point. Later finding out I am ADD answers the reason I wasn't sick enough to go to the doctor.
A few memories of friends at school. The long walk across town to school and home. But then...
Flash....the beatings.
I can only recall two of them....though my mind tells me there were more. I do recall testing my mother. Doing exactly what she required of me and more. And still getting beat up when she got home. Then the time she screamed at my Dad until he snapped and came at me with something, me hiding from him under something, her screaming for him to stop, him saying that he was doing what she wanted him to.
There were more beatings, but my mind would not let me in to recall them.
The spring after I turned 15, my dad graduated college. My aunt and uncle came for that because they had loaned the money for him to start. My aunt was my mother's older and only sister, and my uncle was my dad's older brother. That is how my parents met. They loaded me up and took them back to San Diego with them for the summer.
It was a beautiful summer full of memories I cherish. Church with them, guinea pig round up in the evenings of the neighbor's pets, grunion hunting, sitting on the pier late at night with a guy I was seeing from church, watching the bay as black as velvet with diamonds scattered across it.
Then back to Texas, where my family had moved to Midland for dad's new job.
Flash....all of us in the kitchen and mother throwing a box of Bisquick at me, and dad saying that was enough. What? My dad stood up for me? My dad became my hero at that point and was so until the day he died. There was another incident of him standing up to a bully who wanted to fight me for her own made up reason. He became the only man to stand up for me.
Then there was the horror of my mother throwing a birthday party for me when I turned 16 that winter. I only had one party in my life that I know of. This party consisted of people I did not know. We had lived there for 5 months and mother invited the teens from church, who never hardly even looked at me. It was a total embarassment. I was an extremely shy person by this time. Making very few friends in my life. The morning of my birthday, receiving a letter from the previous town from a friend that told of a good friend's death. I understand that prompted the party. I was no allowed to grieve.
Since my mother was not allowed to beat on me anymore, she started the mental torture. She hated me one minute, the next minute it was hugs and kisses....that I tried to avoid.
In my search for love, I took a wrong turn and had a baby the day before I turned 18. I was at a loss with him, but I knew that this child would actually love me, and that I would never be able to spank him. My mother used him against me...many times. When I got married a year later, she used him as leverage to try to make me change my husband to what she wanted him to be. Threatening to take my son from me. She constantly tried to use him against me. There is no telling how she pumped him with leading questions over the years.
For over 50 years my mother either beat me, manipulated me, or blackmailed me. One thing was consistent, she would compare me to her sister. Her sister's name was a derogatory name in my family. The first time I tried to walk away from her, I was around 44-45. I was being her slave since dad had died. She had a knee replacement. I discovered emails she had sent my sister about how much I was like her sister...aka, nasty mean, selfish, etc. Oddly enough, at this point in life, my body had turned against me. I had survived breast cancer that baffled the doctor as to the cause. And then I developed an autoimmune disease. All because I was devoting my life to others constantly and was getting kicked like a dog.
She suckered me back on my 50th birthday. I was a fool. I stuck it out for another few years being manipulated by her. We moved to a different town, a 4 hour drive from her. She had big plans of kicking my sister's husband out and moving in with her. Until she figured out how, she decided to move to my town. I was stuck with her again. Then the last straw came. In front of someone who wasn't family, she stated that she was afraid of me and had always been afraid of me. I didn't say a word but left. That was it. I was done. That lie was the final one for me. Since then I have been the family scapegoat....that's not true, I was always the family scapegoat. But I have gotten emails and messages from her to forgive her, she doesn't know what she did, but forgive her anyway. She has NEVER admitted she was wrong and hurt me. It was always my fault.
Now I am 61 and asking questions. I am finding out that others who knew the family, and other family member knew something was wrong when I was a kid. So I started questioning why I was allowed to spend the summer with my favorite aunt and uncle, and my brother and sister never did. With everyone gone, the only one I knew of to ask was their youngest daughter. So I called her. I put the question to her and got the most shocking answer. My mother had chased me with a knife.
I cannot process this. I don't remember this. My mother is bi-polar and refuses medication. When she goes into her frenzies of screaming or hitting, she doesn't stop until it exhausts her. If my mother had caught me that day, she would have stabbed me to a pulp before her frenzy exhausted her. No wonder my aunt and uncle took me away when they could.
My cousin and I tried to figure out why she was that way with me. She wasn't with my sister or brother. All we can figure that she equated me with her hated older sister. A sister that never did anything against her. It was all in mother's twisted mind. She hated me as the first born daughter. She treated my sister as a princess.
At 61, how do I process that my mother hated me just for my existence, enough to try to kill me.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

The family bitch

I have come to realize that in my family, everything that has or will make anyone unhappy, is my fault. Things will be made up or grossly exaggerated in order to put the blame on me. Then, on the other hand, I will be told that people's choices are not my fault. It's no wonder why I am beat down and take on the stress of the world. It will always somehow be my fault, but don't stress about it. Huh?
A year ago, I became very ill. I found out it is my body attacking itself. Now why would that surprise me? Stress brought it on. That is what I was told by my doctor. Oddly, I don't have the major symptoms of this disease, but tests show it's there. Looking back on tests from other years, apparently I have shown symptoms of this for over a decade. This is how my body rolls. But major stresses in my life made it go haywire. Three major areas of stress and two of them are because I make people around me miserable. The accusations come out of the blue, and have been situations that I had no control of, did not cause, but are my fault.
It is a bit difficult to control this auto immune disease when every time you turn around, you are accused of things you really didn't do, but someone has to be blamed. I have been the scapegoat since the day I was born. This has made me a giver. I try to make up for all the misery I unknowingly cause. Other people's bad choices become my fault. If I don't kiss ass enough, then it's my fault when someone's ass isn't kissed.
It's a burden to try to keep upbeat when you never know what story will come up next that will become your fault that it didn't come out sunshine and unicorn farts.
Does anyone come to my defense?

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Lost and Found

hello Blog. I lost  you in a nasty computer crash. I am hoping to revive you. I missed you.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Spring has sprung!

We had a rough week with subfreezing temps and a dusting of snow, but then it warmed up until it has been in the 70's and even low 80's this week. I am pulling plants out of the house and starting to dig in the ground. It's exciting to watch what comes up around here. Like this little surprise...
There are eight to ten of these sprouting in the back bed. I may have to get more. I didn't know daffodils would grow here.

 These are the Aggie Maroon Bluebonnets I planted this fall. They made it through winter. I can hardly wait to see them bloom!
 And the little bit of Autumn Joy sedum that I brought is sprouting. This is from the plant that I bought the spring after my first granddaughter, Autumn Joy, was born. I hope to get the rest of it soon.
 One of the Sago's I brought with me and planted seems to have had a malfunction in it's frost cover. It looks like it is still alive and will sprout when it gets warm enough. It's just going to be smaller for a while.
 I don't know what that strappy green plant is. It's sprouting out front. I guess I will have to wait and see. But you can see little bits of green on the ground there...that's bluebonnet sprouts. The bluebonnets are coming up everywhere. Watch this space for some spectacular pictures next month!
 Of course, I hit a plant store or two. There are two Yews, 3 Indigo Spires, Mexican Feather grass, 3 Chinese Fringes, 2 Euryops, 2 Asparagus ferns, and a Firecracker plant, which will go into my huge Mexican pot. And the wee pots in front right are tomatoes and jalapeno peppers. I am going to grow peppers for Kim.
 On this side you can see Gazanias, Gebera's, 3 Cordylines, a Joseph's Coat, a Carolina Jessamine, and a pot of flowers that I can't recall right now what they are. I nearly always get a pot of them each year. I also bought two hanging red geraniums.
 and this is either the apricot tree in bud, or one of the peach trees. The pear tree is looking similar.
 And I leave you with a pretty pansy face, dewey with today's drizzle, and a yellow skipper happily perched on it.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Snow in the Hills

It was iffy, off and on, and totally unknown as to what would happen last week. Somebody in south Texas was going to get snow...they just weren't sure who and how much. They said Houston could get a few inches. Houston got zip, except for ice. Now imagine tropical dwellers on ice. yeah, like that.
I woke up friday morning to a quarter of an inch of snow. It is a rare occurrence in this area. They shut down schools and most business....and I-35 through town. See...the snow had an ice layer underneath, and most of 35 through town is overpasses. They also shut down I-10 through San Antonio. What was really fun was that after a couple of days of subfreezing temperatures, my water froze. Somebody intelligently put the pvc pipe from the well to the house totally outside for about 2 feet. No cover or anything. I managed to thaw it out with an electric blanket and blankets on top of that. But this is what the water looked like for hours after it thawed.
Lovely. Also, since Father In Law's room is not in, no insulation, it was icy in there. For some reason his heat/ac unit wasn't putting out much heat. I got out two space heaters and got him warmed up in no time. Also put a fan between him and the house, blowing into the house, which exchanged warm air for cool....and dug up a very warm quilt. He was cozy.
So...on with snow pictures.
 Matt was able to smash the dry powdery stuff together for a tiny snowman on his truck hood.
 The backyard was a snowy wonderland.
 View out my bathroom window.
 At the road, looking up the drive toward the house.
 From the balcony, looking toward the road.
 The front yard from the balcony.
 Poor little froggy froze too. He usually spouts water. The pond froze over too, but the movement of the water from the pump and filter kept a section open for gasses to escape so the fish wouldn't be poisoned.
 The back of the house.
The front of the house. It wasn't much snow, I had almost a foot 3 years ago in Sonora, but it was just enough to satisfy a snow lover. It melted off the next day.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

More treehouse view

I decided that since I was doing treehouse views, I would show you how wonderful it is to sit on my upstairs balcony. Mind you, this is winter. I will have to post more pictures when spring green shows.

 From the balcony looking up the drive. Lovely curving drive to the road. I love driving home. You come around the curve and see the house through the trees. It never ceases to make my heart sigh with pleasure.
Sitting on a chair on a warm fall day. I even have a couple of plants out to get sun and warmth for the winter. You can see part of the front fence in the lower left. I love the rustic cedar branch fence. It needs to be straightened up a bit and rebuilt some, but certainly doesn't need to come down like my unimaginative hubby said. It already has a Carolina Jasmine planted by it to cover it in spring. I plan a few more summer flowering vines on it. But I will have a battle with the smilax and wild morning glory vines. The morning glory covered everything. I pulled tons of it up, but there is more to tear down and the seeds are everywhere. This may take a few years to win.

My Treehouse

 I realized this morning that it feels like I live in a treehouse. When you go upstairs, you see the tops of trees. Above is the view of the backyard from the hall window. The gazebo needs new roofing. Maybe someone will get to that this spring.
 This is what it looks like from the front balcony door looking out toward the road.
 This is the front corner of my bedroom. No, not decorated yet, but look at that view when the blinds are opened!
And this is what I see at my desk in my studio room. I love being able to look out at trees and treetops. A lot of the trees are taller than the two story house. I paid my dues spending many decades in horrible near-treeless barren wastelands. Now I reap the rewards of living where I don't have to plant a tree. I will though. I am planning on some beautiful red Japanese Maples in a part of the understory.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Tomorrow and Yesterdays

I have to get up and get going early tomorrow. Father-in-law and I need to leave town before 8am to make the closing at 11. We will meet Kim there, sign our lives away, then take possession of our new home. This whole thing has been very rough. Not just all of the work involved with buying a house, but the details of changing addresses, utilities and such after 20 years in one place, but also of packing up our lives single-handedly. I am so very thankful that Kim will be here next week to help. He has a lot of stuff to pack himself, go through, and help his dad pack.
I have been thinking of our 20 years here. Of the home I loved until it became no longer my solitude and escape. When the trash moved in and claimed our life, making it impossible to live here.
I will miss watching snow or rain fall on the distant landscape.
I will miss spring, watching everything come to life, blooming, and deer wandering in the bluebonnets.

I will look through pictures of my garden before the neighbor made it a dump/junk yard and hope that I can make my new yard bloom as well.

But I won't miss the dried up desolation of summer. The season that I battle to keep things alive. I will take a large portion of my plants with  me. Moving so late in the summer is good in that I can dig things up and they have a good chance of surviving. Heck, if I can make things grow in this little bit of clay over rock, I shouldn't have a problem transplanting to better ground.